I sit in the same exact spot I did a month ago and feel empty. One month ago almost to the hour I sat here glued to my phone wondering what was happening and who was shot and if that was just a false report, etc. I frantically searched the web for information and finally found the names of those who had been arrested and saw that my dad wasn't apart of them.
It was in that moment I knew it was him who had been shot, even though the confirmation wouldn't come for about another half hour. Some of my siblings rationalized that maybe he was still at the refuge or had been in a different car group, but I think we all knew.
Before the confirmation had come I cried and asked my husband for a priesthood blessing, hoping that beyond hope that God would tell me everything was alright... Which he did, but not the alright that I wanted. Is everything alright? Will everything work out? Will I be fine? Yes, but in God design... Not mine.
As my husband gave me a blessing the words confirmed that it was indeed my dad and yet I fought against it. Pulling any rational that would make this untrue. I wept and my heart hammered and still I wouldn't accept that I knew the truth.
Finally rational gave way to truth and we could no longer deny it. My dad had indeed been shoot multiple times and killed.
Once it hit I lost it screaming at God, my husband, the ceiling (my poor upstairs neighbors), my dad, and myself. My body was unable to process it and instead lost control in agony.
My husband held me while I wept bitterly and within moments my siblings all decided to come back home and meet at the ranch.
God provided my family the means to leave Texas the next afternoon. Reporters called relentless within hours of his death. Reporters waited outside the next day waiting for me to leave the house. I wanted the world to know who my dad really was, because every times I read the Internet articles I was bombarded with hateful and mean comments celebrating the death of my dad. Dragging him name through the mud. Glorying in our family's pain. I shouldn't have read them but I couldn't not.
That night my husband but my poor oblivious babies to bed who reassured me everything was okay, little did their poor innocent minds know that it wasn't. As they grow older they will still not know what was taken from them. They will not miss what they did not have.
But I did have him. I had the greatest father alive and I will miss him. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. But I begged God that I would. I wanted so bad to dream of my father and feel his arms around me... But I didn't and I couldn't.
Never had I hurt so much in my life and never had I been tested in such a way.
Without God and his great plan of happiness I swear I wouldn't have had he strength to carry on. It would have crushed me, but God did not leave me alone and in his infinite grace he has added so many ppl who love, pray, and care for me on a daily basis. He did not leave me alone but well cares for.
Without all of the love you have all shown me and the many prayers you have sent to heaven for me I would be a shadow of myself. Life is hard, but God is good.
Day 33: My Dad loved Enya. In our house we considered that Sunday music and we would listen to it often. Today I have been listening to it and it has brought a flood of memories from road trips to peaceful Sunday afternoons. Sunday's became one of my favorite days as o grew older because it was such an awesome family day. We would start the day off by getting ready for church, going to church, coming home, waiting impatiently for my mom and dad to finish their naps and then m...om would make dinner while one of the kids usually made cookies. We would then play games together as a family, or talk, or watch a movie with a great moral lesson and spend hours after the movie listening to dad expound on the meaning and lessons we could draw from them. I will give you a list of those another time. Sunday's were family time and God time. We almost always got a lesson of some sort on top of our regular family scripture study. My dad really did love to teach and he was so good at it. He made it simple for a child to understand and was patient with those who were learning. He truly was a great man who loved God and loved his children and did all he could to show others the path.
High Noon- this was a must see for all future son-in-laws. About a sheriff who stands his ground when the rest of the town runs scared from an outlaw.
Gladiator- My dad actually quoted this movie up at the refuge during an interview. It was a part of the movie were the bad emperor wanted to get rid of the senate but the sis...ter told him that they were basically puppets anyways and to let the ppl have their illusions.
Patriot- this was another movie that my dad loved. He thought that the movie was a good reminder of the price of freedom that was paid by the common man. Never did we think for once that our family would have to pay that price again.
Ghost in the darkness- I sadly cannot remember the lesson from this movie because I had nightmares about lions that traumatized my youth leaving no room for lessons.
Lady Hawk- my dad loved this movie for many reason. One when he got home from his mission he took his younger brother Jody to see it and they ended up loving it that they started to sword play. As the days continued their armor got more and more intricate until Jody was making chain link mail piece by piece from what I believe was bailing wire. The fun ended in an epic battle after a branding reunion when all cousins joined the fun and eventually learned the advantage of the Calvary. As the cousins played the uncles decided to get in on the fun and rose in with horses. They were quickly defeated and the sword play fizzled out. Keep in mind my dad was about 21. So this was children. It was men belong boys! However this also has lessons.
It's a wonderful life- we watched this almost every new year!! I sadly always got bored out of my mind. I should probably go back and watch it now that I am older and appreciate these things more.
Brave Heart- need I say more?
Saving Private Ryan- another one